(McClatchy-Tribune Information Services) - The most wonderful time of the year isn't so wonderful if you're hurting.

In fact, the holiday season can be downright terrible for those who have lost a loved one. It can also be difficult for anyone who feels sad or lonely for any reason. And that's most of us, at one time or another.

Therapists and grief experts want people to know that there are ways to acknowledge those feelings and still survive, if not thrive, during the season.

Planning is key, said Denise Watterson, Bereavement Coordinator for Hospice of Frederick County. "We tell them when you have little control over things, anything you can do to have a little more control is helpful."

For some people, that means skipping the holiday, whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah or any important religious holiday. Taking a trip is one option, although Watterson cautions those who do this to be prepared the next year. "If you engage in the holiday the second year, that will be your first holiday without the person," she said. "I don't want people to be blindsided."

Many people will get through the season by lowering their expectations, she said. "You're not functioning at full capacity," she said. "It is OK to not have things be the same."

That may mean not sending out Christmas cards, not decorating or not attending the same holiday functions. "Do whatever brings comfort," she said.

"If I can have those things thought out ahead of time, and not have such high expectations, we tend to do that anyway," she said. "Everyone wants a Norman Rockwell Christmas, and we're not always going to have that."

Alone time is very important, and it may help a grieving person to carve out some time to themselves. "When we're grieving, a portion of alone time is OK," Watterson said.

There's the question of whether to put up a Christmas tree if you have lost someone this past year. That answer is usually yes when small children are in the household. "Maybe you let someone else decorate the tree, or make the cookies," she said.

A death might help some people focus on the holiday's spiritual aspects.

One exercise she has suggested is for loved ones to write a memory about the deceased and place the memories in a Christmas stocking. On Christmas, the family can set aside a time to read those memories aloud.

"Some people like to create a special ornament or make a memory book," Watterson said.

The first Christmas without a loved one can be a numbing time. "People may not even remember that Christmas," she said. "By the second Christmas, the numbness has worn off, and it can be like the first Christmas without the person."

Circumstances such as when the death occurred and the relationship the loved ones had with the deceased can make a difference. "Guilt and anger always complicate the grief, and make it a longer duration," she said. "It can even get people stuck."

Loss of a child

Sue Nisenfeld, Frederick County chapter leader of Compassionate Friends, said the group discusses the upcoming holiday season in early November. Compassionate Friends is a support group for people who have lost a child of any age.

Changing the way a family celebrates the holidays can help some families, she said. "Think creatively," she said. "It's OK to tell people no. You have to take care of yourself and your family."

The group discusses many options people can take. "There aren't any shoulds," Nisenfeld said. "We encourage people to plan ahead. It often looms as a nightmare, especially for people who have lost children."

Many members of Compassionate Friends often find comfort when they choose a child's name from the Salvation Army's Giving Tree, she said.

Jenny West, of Thurmont , lost her 25-year-old son 14 years ago. "You expect to lose your parents, your spouse," she said. "You don't expect to lose a 25-year-old son."

She had other children and a young grandchild at the time, but said Christmas is the worst holiday. "Birthdays and Christmas are what I found to be devastating," she said.

"The thing that helped me is to make new traditions," she said. "You decorate your house in a totally different way."

West has become an avid Christmas tree decorator, putting up multiple trees. Before her son died, she had one. Somewhere among the nine trees she is trimming this year, she hides an ornament her son made when he was young. The ornament has been taped and glued together over the years, but it is intact. Each year, her daughters hunt through the trees to find this ornament tucked into an out-of-the-way place.

Her family also goes to the Eyler Valley Church cemetery each Christmas Eve, where her son is buried. Each year, weather permitting, they put luminaries on all the gravesites, and then attend the church service. "It's a very peaceful place," West said.

Her daughter prepares dinner, and they all return home to a Christmas Eve feast.

Christmas past

Memories of Christmases past often make the holiday seem better than it ever was, said Pat Hanberry, executive director of the Mental Health Association of Frederick County.

"We compare it to Currier and Ives and Martha Stewart," she said. She recommends that people not expect too much from the holiday season.

Whether we have suffered the death of a loved one or are mourning Christmases of old, it's not uncommon to feel down during the holidays, Hanberry said.

"Some people feel like it's not OK to feel lonely or depressed during holidays, but people need to give themselves permission," she said. "You feel the way you feel, and you should accept it."

The holidays do not see a rise in suicides, contrary to popular belief. The suicide rate stays constant this time of year. It tends to rise in the spring.

Still, most people will feel some sadness during the holidays. "We look around us and think everyone else is happy, and it's not true," Hanberry said. She recalled a Thanksgiving after her divorce, delivering meals for the House of Ruth in Washington. It helps to help someone else.

"There's always someone in a worse situation than you are," she said. "There are lots of places where volunteers are needed."

Curb any tendency to drink too much, she added. It doesn't make the situation any better; it actually makes it worse.

Families gathering together can stir up old resentments. There may be a lot of people in a small space with too much eating and drinking and inflated expectations.

"Be realistic," she said. "A lot of it is managing our expectations. There just aren't any perfect families out there." To see more of the Frederick News-Post or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.fredericknewspost.com. Copyright (c) 2009, The Frederick News-Post, Md. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. For reprints, email tmsreprints@permissionsgroup.com, call 800-374-7985 or 847-635-6550, send a fax to 847-635-6968, or write to The Permissions Group Inc., 1247 Milwaukee Ave., Suite 303, Glenview, IL 60025, USA.

Copyright (C) 2009, The Frederick News-Post, Md.